psycho free space

let's say

2012-01-17T03:40:00.000Z

it's all good and clear and straight-forward and whatever, the music is playing the time is continuing, will it ever stop

who the hell knows.

it's all great and fulfilling if you dare to choose the path correctly and ignore the "minorities". but if you try to save him or her or yourself or me, then you're fucked, dude, dudette, dudit.

aye, overall the carousel keeps spinning, the new year hasn't presented itself as i expected - of course, the big fireworks but few died. without sacrifices we will not have anything, line up the queue.

the
big
world

i still don't dare to even try to comprehend this, but my twenties are coming and i was feeling this need to be doing something since i started my life.

and i probably won't, and it won't even matter.

matter

matter

you

me

everbody.

just tiny atoms

and if you would see through me.

They think of me as 'they'.

2011-11-26T16:31:00.001Z

everybody, really, is a part of a one or another statistic.
individualism, no matter how much people are still bragging about it, isn't a virtue or a ticket to success any more, and I often find myself pondering about all this 'getting together', you need them or a only a pack survives business. and I am quite lost. I can't find my place within those groups, I can't find myself relying on them.
Of course, there are always women, but you don't want them to know each other and two is a pair, not a group. Women can make you happy before the shit kicks in. Before you both become french. (french these days is a synonym to annoying) Before you both become bored or boring or just plainly crazy.
It's getting obvious I won't make it alone, though. And it's highly possible that I won't make it with anybody else either.

hey, wanna hang out? Like... on a rope?

2011-11-22T23:50:00.001Z

i quit my job afterwards
so maybe i'd do a thing
and so i was going through various bridges
intending to practice extreme sports of rope jumping.
without rope.
taking it to the next level.
i sat there for a while.
took my shoes off.
and ran. ran towards the hope
instead i woke up in a mental house.

ride the highway

2011-11-17T12:06:00.001Z

feel free to crash your car and die in flames screaming.

er. hi.
those are just common type'os. life is beautiful. with all the greys and blacks in it, and an occasional ray of sunshine coming through the clouds. with all those contrasts and well, i'm a killeroo.
i am tired, or i was tired of this unsureness which i was sure of yet standing there like a douchebag waiting for some answers. well i got them, and they were sure. and i feel a little bit better, which is already a step. it's just that nobody knows where we're going.
and some of us are not going anywhere because they escape too often. and when they have nowhere to go, they come to you and say "Oh hey, remember, we were such a good buddies, I'll just probably follow you". Oh yeah, you're probably reading this. You bastard.
but it's okay, i know you'll die. and so will I. it's just about getting there.

iš lėto

2011-10-25T20:21:00.001+01:00

gyvenam, skaičiuojam, planuojam, ateitis vis labiau miglota, o ir miglos sklaidyti nekyla nei rankos nei kojos, galva nebesisuka ir tik Pink Floyd dėka prisimenu kvėpuoti. valandos, minutės realityviai ilgėja, o aš užkliūnu už tų, kurių, rodos, niekada nebuvo. ir laukiu laiškų, praeities priminimų, kad bent jau svajoti išmokčiau.
viena ilga juosta ir tik kartais sapnuose einu ten kur norėčiau būti, bet pabudęs per penkias minutes pamirštu ir juosta tęsiasi, akimirkos momentas, bet niekas nė neįtaria, jog jis buvo.
ir apsimetu tuo ko iš manęs tikisi ir vis dar, po dviejų metų aktyvaus suaugėliškumo, nesuprantu nei kam nei kas nei kaip.
ir šalta naktim ir reikia mums saulės. ir reikia nubusti, kad likti tam chaose.
ir tylos užsitęsė iki begalybės ir vėl išaušo ruduo. ir visas sukauptas pozityvumas nuleistas į kanalizaciją...
nebežinau nieko.

just leave, believe me

2011-10-17T00:10:00.001+01:00

i'm about to live a life and only one thing is missing.

couple of last weeks were just messed up, the time behaved in queer ways, and those weeks seem like years. it's a very difficult experience, as i believe life is too long in a first place, and when time starts to multiply itself, even though it's a matter of perception, it may well last forever.

yes, please, criticize this as much as you want. no regrets, whatsoever.

and then this weekend, it kind of reloaded it all, probably because of all the alcohol consumed, even though i seldom feel tipsy, it's either nothing or a wastage. and yet, many new people, new ideas, maybe it's uphill onwards.

thumbs up for LPQ, futureme, remember how they were at the beginning and i'll see you then.

2011-09-23T10:30:00.003+01:00

it's all right. all or most of it, and when i look around for what could i make better... well, of course, there's always a long way to the perfect. but we're due.

As I already stated in my mind.

2011-09-10T23:35:00.003+01:00

What is up?

I've already wrote a letter today so might be I'm exhausted of the written word and tomorrow promised to start early, yes, very early indeed. Yet I still had this urge to write something down. I'm not really sure what, but sometimes it's just is - emotions without explanations and images without any meaning.
One more happy birthday goes to Bubble, yet I've been there and it made me realize how different are the social circles I'm in. And I miss those other ones, to be frank. No, Bubble, you are great, of course.

Honesty and dishonesty and karma and I met so many people today, heard so many stories and first I have to sleep on it to make conclusions, but it seems I'm not so much an asshole anymore. Aye, no need to applause, thank you. And I'm not really sure whether this is being me or whether this is a mask. Confusion.

My new scar got infected a little, they might cut off my arm soon. (you never know in London) So next week I'll start digging Ableton and hopefully will come up with some results. Five and a half days or hundred and twenty seven hours left till L. shows up and I'll be off to dream one of those fucked up dreams.

That's how life looks like.

A bit of trip

2011-09-01T02:49:00.000+01:00

What's up? What's new?

I just managed to reach the state where I saw myself from within the mirror. And though everybody's been there and saw that, I still want to brag about it out loudly.

Got a job, yes, I know it's unbelievable and I realized I chose completely different mask this time. And I question my consciousness, turn another page for the answers, but they ain't there. Oh but well anyway, it's all temporary. And it's a small world out there.

So that's life.

And then we die, leave our physical bodies and float away in the darkness. Until the flames start flickering, surrounding the space with warmth. And I hope the future me will remember the past me as he felt this day. Unbound and unchained.

set the controls for the heart of the sun

2011-08-14T03:12:00.001+01:00

All of us have these different sets of friends, people we want to be, people we want to be like us, helpless people, people we hang out with, people we(re) hang'in. For each and everyone of them we have different sets of rules, what to say, how to dress... Even how to feel around 'em. Ain't this a mad world, since it's so rare to just be. Slavery for money and contacts and what they gonna think and what not.

Anyway, time goes on, that one doesn't care. He doesn't accept cookies, nor credit cards. One tough son of a bitch. And even if you threaten that you'll quit - well, he's almost just like everybody else. Go on, press the button.

I'm also planning on rewriting Hansel And Gretel, not because it's bad, but because I believe it can be better. Imagine those children finding a house made out of lumps of hash, with the decorations of weed sprinkled with cocaine and the river of acid in the background. Now that's a proper story. Also, I'd introduce some new characters, such as a Shady Tony and Wendy the Whore. You just wait till you find out what they are going to do.

now my eyes are becoming hard to keep open, and yesterday they were trying to hang themselves (after couple of sleepless days) so today i'll be gentle. I'll be waiting.

2011-08-12T07:29:00.001+01:00

With all the rubbish going around and me spacing out 86400 times a day even those plans or ideas i have for the future me, and U, for fucks sake, with such an impact. Impact of the meteor that destroyed the dinosaurs, what the mere I can expect. And life is beautiful, now more than ever.
Good thing i'm leaving...

Left, nothing has changed. Yet, at least. Tens of people newly met, hundreds of fresh ideas and memories to remember, thousands of minutes well wasted. Approved.

up you come and off you go

2011-08-03T06:45:00.003+01:00

The weird stuff that is happening around me is just too hard to comprehend nowadays, happening around, yet not for me and somehow I have managed to keep my distance. One choice over the other and your life is a black hole, sucking the life out of you one minute at a time. Yet it is rather fun to be fucked up because of these pretty women you will never have, than being fucked up because.
I'm starting to believe I can pull the mr. awesome trick. And today I feel ressurected. Now let me out of this coffin, please.

Tik - ėjimas.

i swallowed my pride and six shots of whiskey

2011-07-30T19:24:00.002+01:00

The day after yesterday was a fuck up at the least. I really need to escape this. Again. And it's coming to another routine - routine of escaping. I am fairly alright, well with some dreams of hanging out. To dry. On a rope. Haha, get it? But yes, fairly alright nonetheless. But then like five minutes of this stupid, mindless, irrational rage passes through me, just like when I was a kid and wouldn't get a candy. But. like. why?

Stupid me, whatever. Apologies to some certain people who I hope don't read this blog. MUST. BE. COOL.

Back to London in like ten days, can't wait, really. Back there, starting fresh. Getting things sorted out for once. And maybe finally working for the better tomorrow. After yesterday.

bang bang

2011-07-18T19:47:00.002+01:00

could you make the silence louder
could you show the distant island
could this only be the answer
to the questions we all seek
should the forests be forgiven
should the blind begin to see
should i make this final statement
so the ignorant would hear
will there be the end for sorrow
will the soulless disappear
will there be a dawn tomorrow
a dawn where i will not be me

- -

you stood in the middle
when darkness unfolded
the truth of the riddles
the lies of the fallen
i dare you to tell me
the things that won't be
the words so unspoken
the lives so obscene
just tell me to leave this
begone with myself
i'll stand in the middle
the worlds that must end.

take it away

2011-07-16T01:03:00.001+01:00

or not, leave it be, within the conscious bits of my unconsciousness, when i fly over the horizon radar, over the atmosphere towards the definite end, the flames that heal, and please, let me out of here, i don't belong here, i don't seem to want to belong here, i do that, sometimes, occasionally, for the sake of it, for the sake of 'em. And it gets to my head, it won't matter. One beautiful day... oh boy.
things that give me those crumbles of joy i'm left it don't happen to often nowadays, i really need to get out this country, not that that other country is any better, but at least there i can be occupied full time and finally stop thinking about all this. my demons get into those fucked up costumes at nights, and there are no silver bullets in my finger-gun. no fuel in the foot-car. no food for my imagination.
i can't make people believe in me unless i start believing myself, and since i'm almost sure it won't happen, i ask you again, why?

hey

2011-07-04T02:10:00.002+01:00

no matter where you are, with whom you are, whatever you do, however you feel, it doesn't matter whether people like it or not, just fuck it, it's pointless.

Ok, Go!

2011-07-02T00:17:00.000+01:00

I sit on the bridge between my past and my future, I think, I'd cross, well, if it was more appealing. But no, it's only pretty before the sunrise and after sunset, and even that episode doesn't last much these days. It left me, like most of the things do. They also left me, well, who needs them anyway. And so I built this wall, well, under the bridge, I guess, since I'm stuck there. Which means I built it on the water, separating the lovely fish families, and caught a Whale in the middle. I want to write Whale with a capital, cause they're bloody enormous. Coming back behind the wall, yes, I must hide. From the necessities, routine, dreams and people, and problems. Problems. Problems. Echoing through my head. Problems.

Problems.

That's was the last one, for a while. I guess, I'll stop using that word, maybe it will learn and won't piss me off so much anymore. That aside, I'll go calculate my basic needs and other expenses, and I'll start creating a plan, utopical plan, yes, where I won't HAVE to do anything ever again unless I want it. Obviously, it's going to diminish my possibilities greatly, but at least I'll escape the machine. For a while.
but
How's it going to end?

un(fucking)believable

2011-06-23T23:11:00.000+01:00

Go spend your life, one time at a minute, pretend it's fine, as long as it's profitable and once you're gone, well, let's hope elephants will remember and hope that people will forget. Would be even better to be forgotten before the time, so then there're no point on living up to someone's expectations anymore.
In the worst case there's always north/south poles, though first things first, must learn to meditate and survive on water. Or learn how to tame a penguin to get you a fish. But there are so many questions unanswered (more like ungoogled), how do penguins multiply, for example. Well let's leave that for maybe tomorrow.

And even though i understand the uncertainty of tomorrow yet i still seek to encounter some of those bigger entities i was often told about. And those nineteen years has taught me lot of things, yet there's still one part missing in my education - how the fuck should i live.

sometimes you see the things as you really are.

2011-06-15T02:18:00.000+01:00

and then you smile stupidly as if it never happened or the world has never begun.
and then you laugh hysterically, thinking about the windows broken twice.

and i still question - is this the reality?

surrounded by the tiny wisps of light

2011-06-13T00:25:00.000+01:00

following the life beyond the sanity and above the darkness, holding those candles made out of wax made out of human hearts and souls and dreams, reaching for the infinity while carrying the heavy burden of sky. inverted, what if reality is dream and dream is the reality. skip and go and never come back, as if it never happened. and run, while you can escape this life before it got you.
and after all, you'd expect that if you're doing good, good is what you get, but probably i misunderstood that word completely, maybe it's me who's wrong after all, maybe it's me who got everything wrong and if i lost it all, i can't be, speaking of which, i'd also buy a gun or a pink pill of cyanide, just. in. case.
everything will be fine, i hear, but like all the things i used to believe in (love, magic, dragons, unicorns, santa, etc.) future seems to be fading away.

at the speed of light.

home again

2011-06-09T03:57:00.000+01:00

only couple of days and the inner dialogue in my brain extends beyond the limits, the activities i take part in get different shapes and colours, and i-li-ke. the skies are brighter here and i'm can't stop wondering how did i miss it all this time, star-shooting is one of the great activities.
aye, won't be able to write anything today, still having a conversation about the stars with mom.

tell me

2011-05-12T00:06:00.000+01:00

all the lies of the world, they'll never end.

spare me not

2011-05-11T01:17:00.000+01:00

i don't know what to ponder about
after all it's just ashes and ground
and then the spring came
never though i would wake up to see
what the universe's chosen for me

never dared to believe of the end
life is complex, what point of it then
and then the spring came
and i woke up to see that it's truth
never meant to be longer than thou

as realistic it all might to seem
no one proved all those crack heads to flee
and then the spring came
to forget or forgive or to be
just as you and i want them to see

in the end it's all about stars
what once started, the end is to come
and then the spring came
and as grey your existence may seem
spring can make you to want to believe

never tried the smack. yet.

2011-04-28T00:15:00.000+01:00

i left myself down in the river, wave upon wave washing me until i couldn't grasp any of the words unspoken. and no one ever bothered me again, and never i bothered anyone. and when i woke up drowning, you saw me, i'll never be again.

i need some shrooms.

peeping tom

2011-04-17T01:00:00.000+01:00

i wish i understood how i ain't feeling today.

Over the moon which today is rather orange,
i saw the horizon of the lost souls and the world was damned.
You saw me loosing the bits and pieces of my shadow
And when i howl, i howl lonelity
the meaning of this - there is no meaning
believe me, i know, i tried.

Cigarette after cigarette

2011-04-12T12:30:00.000+01:00

It's like a lottery, really, with the prize of being dead. Death behind the three doors. It's fun nonetheless, cause you are up to win something.
So what shall we ponder on today?
Nay, we should leave today aside, cause today, in this case yesterday, was yet another day of nothingness, spreading through the plains and hills and rivers and what-not, leaving rotting bodies six feet under and worms feasting and flies feasting and everybody feasting except me.
Everybody is a bit of exaggeration, don't you think.

And when the sun doesn't shine and you don't shine, I'm back at my cellar door, trying to fit any of the billions of keys, knowing that the day's too short, the life is too short this sentence is too short, in fact nothing is ever enough and i never turned back to see if there was a sunset.

Fuck, what a mess.

i want to be wanted

2011-03-30T00:36:00.002+01:00

Yesterday (officially, today) before I fell asleep I had this really good thought. Or maybe a sentence, but a brilliant sentence. A sentence worth a book or...

Aye, that happened quite some hours ago, and today I invented a new definition for a "party bag" which to put it simply is a condom. Not that I want to talk about condoms. The only thing I can say about condoms is that they suck, both literally and metaphorically.

Not that I want to talk at all, I always seem to postpone talking to the other day, hoping that something will change and I wont be so stubborn. But everyday I am, nothing ever changes. Well, I lie. Hello, I love you.

These days I'm feeling sort of alienated, I look at my arms, any part of the body really, but arms seems closest, and I'm wondering, what a weird excuse of the lump. I then try to think about it's functionality, but surely it could've been anything else. And then, when I hold my cigarette, I think that at least I can feel it, it kind of belongs to me (one can never be sure), but other lumps walking around doesn't make any sense at all.

Skip, enter, delete. What I really should talk about is my mental instability and physical pain and lack of soul and point and whatsoever, cause that's what you're getting oscars for and that's what people like to read. That's what this world is based on nowadays, and that's what we should all try to escape. But we won't, we were never meant to.

i sip on my whiskey

2011-03-14T23:27:00.000Z

It's funny, there aren't too many good memories in my distant past. Distant, cause it's seem I've been living for an eternity plus minus millennia. And in the recent past there's nothing at all. I don't seem to wake up, and wind myself up anymore. I don't seem to get back to sleep. These last couple of days I've been just dosing off constantly, there's nothing wrong with me yet.
For a long time, when I was little, I was thinking, that everyday I wake up, it's a dream, a dream within a dream, you can say. And I would count the days, how long has it been. I did it for quite a while, half year maybe? And then I realized that no, this is it.

That was probably my first attempt to think, cause it threatened the logic I already had. Nothing has changed, at least for the good.

wonders of the universe

2011-03-08T22:01:00.000Z

I should stop watching documentaries.

hibrnation mode: off

2011-03-01T15:13:00.002Z

My plan for today is dream. Go lucidly through the corners of my subconcscious, encounter all those monsters also known as feelings, chase the dragon. This hash is as fast as heroin. Hits you immediatly. Welcome to life, Mr. IDK. It's been a while.

'Screw me, burn me.
Rip me, hate me.
Torture
Let me
Let me be.'

Of course, just for references, it's all fiction, and you never happened in my life. Good for you, otherwise I'd feel sorry. I'd feel guilty, here we go back to the monsters.

Pity it had to be this way,
shame you'll never be okay.
Fatigued of the life ahead.
And choice i made to remain dead.

Flippers.

2011-02-24T01:27:00.003Z

you have to drown within the silence
to resurrect the music

2011-02-20T20:07:00.000Z

birthday, mister.

The Soft Parade

2011-02-20T03:01:00.000Z

yet another day in this world of questions, not answers. yet another day of this mediocre life-style, this rubbish food, this routine and form of zombism.
And there's always a past.

No matter what you do, there's always what you've done already, and that changes what you are doing now. There's just no way to escape it.

And as my mind was shaped by those events.. oh fuck it.

if you kill someone

2011-02-15T15:08:00.000Z

Finally, after this sort of depression, sort of neutrality showed up upon my door with some red wine and cookies. I did let her in, it's still rather cold outside, though the signs of the spring are showing up occasionally.
I do like sunny days here in London. I do like sunny days overall, it's the fucking heat i can't bear myself with fully. Anyway, back to the story.
So yeah, sort of neutrality in my sort of life, and I sort of believe, that I still have a chance to turn out all right. Yes, that's pretty much it. And when I say fuck off, I probably mean it.

Me turning out all right. for phun.

special for valentines day

2011-02-14T18:58:00.000Z

When you start counting minutes like that.

2011-02-05T00:36:00.001Z

omgomgomg

2011-02-03T00:46:00.000Z

Tai va, po milijono metų ne dėl ko kito, o ašmūn pū kaltės, parašysiu lietuviškai, kad palaikyti lietuvišką idėją. Stylish blog - i haz em.

skaitantys žmonės ir taip per daug žino, bet anyway.

-Nerašau lietuviškai, nes mama žino kur mane rasti - bijau, gali paskui parsivežt namo. Žinoma, gal dar ir į kambariuką minkštom baltom sienom uždarytų, bet čia jau teigiamas dalykas.
-Negroju trijų valandų per parą.
-Pradėjau gaminti, visai patinka.
-Kad ir kaip stengiuosi to nedaryt, vistiek turiu idols.
-Tikiu(osi) pasaulio pabaigos kadanors greitu metu.
-Ankstyvais rytais žvalus nubundu tik su moterim.
-Nesitikėjau, kad šitas reikalas iki manęs atkeliaus, nors truputį svajojau.

*drum rolls*
Perleidžiu titulą į vienintelį ir nepakartojamą jėzaus kristaus prekybos centrą (ta proga, kad jau rašau lietuviškai) ir per daug nesitikiu, jog titulas ten bus priimtas. Anyway, kadangi noriu užmegzti pažintį su Dharmos Valkata, tai bus puikus pretekstas.

beginning () the end.

2011-01-27T00:37:00.000Z

'Mr. Jack Daniel passed away due to an injury he sustained when kicking his safe early one morning at work. Moral of the story, never go to work early.'

2011-01-25T02:52:00.002Z

All that delicious booze, cigarettes, drugs and psychedelics.

doo doo doo, i've got some apples, doo doo doo, you've got some too

2011-01-20T00:34:00.000Z

yet another day

Hullo

2011-01-19T00:36:00.000Z

How you doing?

So yesterday me and E. had this conversation about points and their non-existance. And it made me wonder again, what's the point?
The way I see it, for past two thousand years we've been living with hope that everything we do is being summed up by some divine creature and that's how we build our eternal afterlife. I don't know how those geniuses came up with this, but probably to make things more simple. And eventually we forgot that it was made up, now we, casual people take it as the truth. While corporate bastards use it against us making money and they living to the fullest. Morality exists for mortals only.

So what to do?

I dunno. Don't do anything, piss people off. Be everything they believe as evil and devil. Be an outcast, live out of law. Be whatever that comes to you mind. Yet if you realize everything I've written so far, it's going to be a difficult task. Ignorance was a bliss. Ignorance would be a bliss. But it ain't, cause you and me already know too much.

So let's just face it, let's quit pretending. Even if we fail, at least we tried.

a m b i e n t

2011-01-17T01:14:00.000Z

So when you start spacing out.
And you feel like your mind is as big as planet earth. Or sun, for that matter - even more accurate considering how gasses can be associated with thoughts. It's so intense and complex.

Every little feeling or thing you do, say or accomplish in any other method seems to be multiplied so many times it's hard to grasp. The amount of information that fills your head is unbelievable. And when I question myself these things, I kind of feel like I'm going mad.

I wonder when am I going to be normal or if I am ever going to be. Another person I leave confused and fucked up because of me and me being fucked up because of you.

And then she's crying and i don't know why what or where the hell it came from. I'm not blaming anybody. I want her to leave though. It was never to go smoothly. She's crying and I don't know what to say, considering how many misunderstandings had happened already. I'm afraid of power of speech.

Interesting, i keep repeating that word, cause everything seems new and not experienced again. I have a power to destroy and I use it, not intentionally, but very well.
I don't know, I don't think there's something out there for me, but right now I feel I've done enough - there will be people who'll remember me, I seemed to be open enough. I tried to be kind on a various occasions. It never worked out good, but hey, what the hell.

There's no future me, cause past is all I'm going to build my life on. And it's so eerie and instable it's going to brake itself right away. But hey, Good For Us. Peace out.

2011-01-14T09:48:00.000Z

Being obsessed with yourself gives you ability to acknowledge other's stupidity and apply it in your own self-analysis. I need more bloody bricks to build my so called life. I'm ought to find them.

2011-01-11T00:58:00.000Z

I actually wouldn't tell that it's the new year already - doesn't feel like it, except maybe for those times when you have to write date somewhere. I had some nice holidays and I look forward to the whole year like that.
Also, I started to write more into the notebooks than the pc, and I was wondering why. I guess I just don't like this netbook and other surroundings that much.

I had this very disturbing dream couple of weeks ago, drafted some vague sentences about it. Since you've stopped appearing anywhere around, I'll take it as the truth.

when the summer's gone

2010-12-30T03:01:00.000Z

I'd love to give you my notes for your stave and
I'd love to share my sheets while we're eating our morning newspapers.
I'd like to see you naked under the full moon,
I'd become anything to see through you.
I'm drunk not because I loathe, I'm loathing because I'm drunk on you.
I'd love to be high on life,
But life I chose has nothing as good to offer.
I know I'm only flattened fifth within your scale,
Yet I know - that's how you make the music.

Where are you going?

2010-12-29T02:44:00.000Z

Nowhere? Tell me about it.

Talk a little, be a little, blend in, fade out.
Never knew you had any friends, yes you're mean and evil, but that's what you're famous for. Famous?

I only see the dead star showers. But sometimes I believe in people.

2010-12-25T02:04:00.000Z

me and myself, i'll have the whole life for them. Light my fire.

i <3 psychedelic

2010-12-23T14:44:00.002Z

NOW!

aye

2010-12-22T10:33:00.002Z

writing the left hand

2010-12-19T23:17:00.000Z

And then, if you'd close your eyes and really tried to listen, you could almost smell the upcoming dawn. You could finally feel safe as you'd know they all are gone. They are gone and they are history. You would realize, that nothing up to this point and nothing that is going to happen has nothing to do with what it is now.
Considering how many 'nothings' I've used in that sentence you can say I said nothing.
Oh well, at least I'm not alone.

Past, what an interesting thing it is. Without the past there would be no future. We would keep repeating the same mistakes. And yet if we're always looking back, that's all we're able to achieve. Even when we know where we went wrong, who can guarantee we won't do some other mistakes again. After all, there are so many ways to not to live your life.

Everything's an illusion.
It's all one big, long rabbit hole.

It finally came

2010-12-19T01:57:00.000Z

I wonder, now after i've been here for a while (which sometimes seems far too long), i'm thinking what's next. Am I still gonna stay here or should i find a better way. Damn those multiple choices.

Minus two or something outside and enough of snow to remind me of home and bring up the nostalgia. I have this confusing feeling about nostalgia - the past had it's own pros and cons.

I dunno why, but i feel quite alright tonight.

2010-12-15T02:38:00.001Z

'It's a bitter solution accepting what you can't explain rationally.' E.C.

And really, I can't. I must not know something, miss out something. Or everything was a lie, and I finally got to the truth. If so, I'm more disappointed with myself than I've ever been.

See you on the dark side of the moon.

yeah, right

2010-12-14T09:48:00.000Z

It's amazing how obsessed with the idea you can get and how that idea gets into the corners of your subconsciousness. Speaking about subconsciousness mine's a bitch. I should either be on alcohol 24/7 or i should quit it completely. Who knows, some day i might even consider the second one.

One second, second one.

My super power of destruction is going even stronger. I do not want this.
Wind up my spring.

so

2010-12-09T02:06:00.001Z

after you had found out the joys of alcohol and cigarettes, you knew you gotta try almost everything out there, and now look where you are.

and when was the last time you were happy?

come home

2010-12-01T02:09:00.003Z

2010-11-30T02:13:00.000Z

once you give up all the hope, things tend to start looking better, don't they?

"May I never be complete. May I never be content. May I never be perfect. Deliver me from being perfect and complete" - Fight Club, my personal bible.

Let's hit the bottom. Tonight.

oy, get your hands away from it

2010-11-29T06:32:00.002Z

kada tinkamės?

2010-11-27T01:24:00.000Z

rejection is the truth of life,
remove my eyes then slice and dice
but burn my ships so i will drown
within the seas where i belong

and yeah, if you'll ever need something to rub against at, don't fucking hesitate to call me.

2010-11-26T03:17:00.002Z

Remember me through flash photography and screams

2010-11-25T12:02:00.000Z

2010-11-24T16:44:00.000Z

"You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes."

2010-11-19T13:16:00.000Z

breathe in, breathe out, get up from your bed, walk to the bathroom, wash your teeth, get down to the kitchen, make some coffee and toast, get your things together, go work, come back. go online, buy shit, wait for it, wait a little longer. recycle, recycle more. don't you care about earth.
go around, be a zombie. go around, cause everyone's expecting great from you - clean the shit humanity piled up for thousands of years.

2010-11-13T01:48:00.000Z

turn the lights down, hold the breathing
make it silent as a feeling.

yo

2010-11-04T20:00:00.000Z

but seriously, the worst that can happen is losing all the objectives. if you see nothing in front of you, why would you walk? and i'm not talking about the trees or walls or houses or whatever, there is no road left.
that sucks in absolute. universally.
and what to do next, how to build that road. no, i'm not angry. i'm sad beyond myself.

2010-11-01T00:42:00.002Z

Is there anybody out there?

sup dawg

2010-10-30T01:27:00.000+01:00

one more joint
one more joint

to be serious, this is getting to the ground point. point o zero.
i'm out of excuses for what i'm not doing. and i'm out of reasons to do anything.
stuck like a bitch.

fuck, i don't know.

passive

2010-10-26T01:05:00.000+01:00

How about taking a back seat in this world? How about I just watch you endlessly, watch you kill and die and born. Watch you scream and fight and lay low. 'd never have to give my self,
How about I take the crystal ship?

How come the world is where it is and I am where I am in it? How did all of this fail?

2010-10-24T10:56:00.000+01:00

hahaha, such a failure i am.

gone, still

2010-10-22T01:22:00.002+01:00

fallen cemeteries dark and hollow
holding on the ones you ought
sleepy mornings comes to borrow
little time that you still own
never been the one to carry
burden of this life in truth
hide your soul and you shall follow
after ones you thought untrue
if you choose the other path
no one's gonna guarantee
that you stay until the dawn
standing where you have to be

ain't u stupid

2010-10-20T01:29:00.000+01:00

looking forward to the trip,
gonna trip untill i'm brick
ain't no fool, don't think i'm one
life is easier on the shore

Oh by the way, which one's Pink?

2010-10-13T02:01:00.000+01:00

Spinnin in circles, running around,
confusion approaches, it beats you to ground.
Between leaves and grass,
You ought to find 'self.
C'mon man, it's only illusion.
'll be burnin in hell.

2010-10-10T04:18:00.000+01:00

The most beautiful sounds are heard within the silence.
This whole amplification thing is nuts.
I <3 psychedelic music.

ambient

2010-10-08T05:59:00.000+01:00

hey, man, listen. i mean, listen man. you have to hear this, man. cmon

ooooooooooooooooooh. It's so good. I'm so hiiiiiigh.

oh man, hey listen. listen up
it's been crazy out here.all these fast moving images sounds out from nowhere. my eyes are twitching, you seem a bit blurry. Want some blood? Get yourself together.
Man, this is crazy. look, there's a well, there's no bottom. wanna jump?

2010-10-06T07:39:00.002+01:00

Not the M. dreams again. Please.

I wannabe wannabe wannabe Jim Morrison

2010-10-04T23:54:00.001+01:00

2010-10-03T23:32:00.000+01:00

Breaking up the rules you created never turns out good. Following the footsteps won't take you any further than them.
And somehow, I feel no guilt at all.

spending days

2010-10-03T03:36:00.000+01:00

waiting woman unkind. i always rephrase this line, cause i suppose that's how i want it. someone's waiting for the best, someone's waiting for the better. and i don't know whether it's my eyes twitching, or is it because of the rain... yo-ho-ho and the bottle of rum.

and so the day kills the night, vice versa and so on. and always stays the same. and nothing ever changes.

2010-10-01T03:10:00.001+01:00

And I would play for you,
on the nights clear and bright,
with the moons in the skies.

And I would lie for you,
that i would die for you.

And nothing matters now
and night is still upon us.

hahaha

2010-09-29T01:19:00.000+01:00

I suppose, when you get your first spam message/comment - that's when you are fucked. I mean, that your internet identification becomes as big as your real life identification - think about it, in reality people spam all the time: tmi, random bulshitting, advertising. Well, and now they want to take this from me. Bastards

Some people should really get a life and stop thinking that everything is made for/because of them.
And in my personal opinion, you need to earn the bitch's title.

Peace out, chill out. Take it easy.

wake up

2010-09-28T09:40:00.000+01:00

Lately I've been getting xtrmly high. And then chillin' with ambient music, tripping through the universes and time of my mind. And I must say it's fun. Long long long long long long long fucking rabbit hole.

Totally,
I finally got a friend who'd punch me in a face. That was phun too.

The rest is usual, though hair around my right nipple seems to grow faster. There's no justice in the world.

howlin lnly

2010-09-25T05:37:00.000+01:00

sometimes i just regret everything i've been, i am or will be.

it really looks cool that way

2010-09-15T20:30:00.000+01:00

i shouldn't go that deep in to my emails.

eventually

2010-09-15T04:06:00.000+01:00

I'm deleting the shit again, just cuz it seems so obvious.

I born too fucking late and I won't travel through space and time back to where I belong.

Is everybody in?
The ceremony is about to begin.

If only

2010-09-13T17:34:00.000+01:00

You never call me when you're sober

2010-09-11T03:00:00.000+01:00

This anxiousness is building up, i dunno why. I'm walking down the street and I'm feeling increased blood pressure - I'll meet her.
And I did, and she gives no f u c k 'bout me. Awesome

I suppose nothing matters. So I'll continue getting high, tripping, fucking/boozing myself to death, brushing my fingers on a guitar, eating chop suey from the most unhealthy shop around and other fun stuff until I find myself.

I push my fingers into my eyes

2010-09-03T23:08:00.000+01:00

and here i am again. Yet this time i'm not what i am,
i'm drunk on life, i'm drunk on wine
i'm drunk on you,
(not literary, no intentions. yet. made.)
whatever floats your boat - in your dreams, in your brains, in your skull.
It's all just bone or rock at the end.
And no mountains to be climbed, not fountains 'll make you high.
See me, open me, read me, feel me.
Love Me, Loathe Me.

The Doors Of Perception

2010-09-03T01:08:00.000+01:00

I hear them talk, 'bout ''important'' things like umm... cars and umm... relationships... and how giant explosions millions of billions of miles away moved a little bit to the left so now it's their unlucky day.
Ummm... let me just sit down for a second.

I'm getting so tired of all of this. And there will be no culmination, climax, orgasm. That's it, this is as far as I could've get. Like that line in the monitor showing your pulse. beeeeeeeeeep.

Seven weeks left. Hopefully that's when this mediocrity ends.

(I'm getting to my old me - anime, gaming, going to sleep early ((in the morning)) and writing bits and pieces now and then. Very cool.)

Beginning of the end.

2010-09-01T01:16:00.000+01:00

We set off in
five
four
three
two
one

Full speed to the brain.
Green is the colour.

200

2010-08-25T09:17:00.000+01:00

I think I managed to let go, after all. Occasional flashbacks still ~~brightens~~ my day, but, oh, it never can be too good. One and truly.
200 posts of this mediocre bullshit. If you put them in a line, you'd think they're all black (which means all the same) ((no racism intended)). And yet it's quite some of em. Some of 'em were deleted, some never published. And I'm here now, with no ~~misery~~ to write 'bout, with that kind of day-to-day, payment-to-payment adult-pretend-to-be grown-up life. It all should lead to greater good. And when I think 'bout ma baileys and my future, I say stop. Then I look around and think - not gonna happen. And this time it's not my fault, honestly.

Pastaba mamai - net nebandyk naudot google translate.

So where were we,
Under the sun
And burning.

2010-08-03T22:38:00.000+01:00

Jesus don't want me for a sunbeam, never did.

psychedelic

2010-07-20T04:41:00.000+01:00

Totally flying, it's half four in the morning. I barely can keep my eyes open, but yet I'm here. I dunno why, don't wanna know either. whatsoever.

Paranoia sucks.

2010-07-05T03:42:00.000+01:00

Truputis šen truputis ten, o kai nieko nelieka?..

And everyday I lie. No, I'm not okay.

soulmatesneverdie

2010-06-21T01:30:00.002+01:00

i remember as if it was yesterday.

ten months herel

2010-06-04T05:34:00.002+01:00

yet i don't think like i have to lose.

Vien dėl to, kad man nerūpi dar nereiškia, kad man neįdomu.

2010-06-01T00:04:00.001+01:00

Nors ne, meluoju. Man poxuj.

Edit: netyčia užklydau į twokeight... Ir man velniškai trūksta mano bemiegių.

2010-05-23T00:42:00.000+01:00

Skaitau senus pokalbius su tavim. Gmaile, žinoma. Ir gailiuosi, kad jų buvo tiek nedaug, nes, dievaž, moterie, pasiilgau tavęs. Pasiilgau savęs tada ir visko kas iš to kilo. Nedviprasmiškai, nes ne vien rytais saulė kyla.

Priešingai nei tuomet, dabar žinau, jog šitų kringelių neskaitysi. Na ne tu, tai kažkas kitas - laiškas be adresato ne laiškas. Ir atvirkščiai. (arba ne) but i'm an idiot and I can't find a backspace. Gal ir gerai, nors nebetikiu į second thougths. O dar šitaip stūmiau ant vieno tokio blog'o.

Dar liko beveik metai tau persigalvot.

2010-05-09T23:47:00.002+01:00

hold your breath and count to ten, fall apart, start again.

One

2010-05-05T02:14:00.000+01:00

Sometimes you can just live like you don't care and nothing touches you. And then something snaps... And for the love of Satan, I hate when that happens. Lately I hate everything.
My dearest and truly... No, that's not what I should say. The one that truly made me a mess, now that sounds more like it, I hope you're fine, and I'm sure you will not read these lines as you already moved on. I wish I did as well. And I did, but like all of my addictions, this one tends to come back again rot inside me.
Or is it me who's rotting? But hey, what about me?

To be fucked up

2010-04-23T01:57:00.000+01:00

And to feel all the infernos underneath your bed. I can't say I'm too scared.

Life's passing by, one day gone, one day less. I must stay that I'm pretty enjoying my holidays. Like the first time in eighteen years. And once again, because of the bloody airlines and volcanoes and bunch of other things... Oh well, I forgot what I wanted to say.

It's been quite a while and yet I'm not so sure what to say. I want to tell every-fucking-thing, yet I don't want to spoil things or to be too straight-forward. You know what I'm saying?

Maybe next time.

2010-03-24T02:00:00.000Z

Hmm, I forgot to tell that my header was created by my personal whore and graphic designer, Wafliūnas a.k.a. woox1s.

so yh, three week only.